Letters to the Editor
by Voldemort's Spawn
Summary: A series of letters from the characters expressing how they feel about 'fanfiction'. Rated for their potty mouths.
1. Letter from the Editor

**Letters to the Editor**

The following letters were sent in collectively by mail from The Team upon discovering what is known as 'fan-fiction'. These letters are written by the individuals expressing their discrepancies, concerns, and praise over what is considered 'canon' and 'noncanon'.

All letters were edited (in Arthur's case totally revamped. His linguistic skills on paper are horrendous,) and as best as possible, kept in original context. If any extreme changes were made (such as Arthur's case), foot notes will be listed to clarify what the original context may have been.

All views expressed in these letters are not that of the Editor's. Any offenses, complaints, or screams of outrage expressed in form of a review critique will be sent to the original writer of the letter and dealt with thus as they see fit. For example, Mr. Eames will more than likely laugh, crumple the complaint, and either set it on fire or find a way to try and make it down Ariadne's top.

On behalf of The Team, we thank you for your time and hope these insights help bring forth a better understanding of the people you choose to manipulate, toy, and/or destroy with your stories.

_-Editor in Chief, Voldemort's Spawn_


	2. Mr Eames

**Mr. Eames**

Dear adoring fans,

It has come to my attention that while your fan-girl ways are extremely flattering, there is a line that has been crossed. That line was bold, broad, and apparently invisible despite the obnoxious yellow coloring. This is not to say I do not enjoy the attention; because my darlings, I do indeed. It's better than Christmas morning._(1)_

However, upon reading your imaginative (and I do mean _imaginative_) stories, I have noticed a common thread that seems to have tied itself around my ankle and is allowing you pets to drag me behind with you. Thus, what I believe needs addressing first would be the odd canon of 'slashing', I believe the term is, Arthur and I.

Let it be known for the record that Arthur and I are not a couple. We fucked one time. One time and it seems we can't escape it. We were drunk and in such a drunken state as we were that evening, accidents happen. He wasn't that great of a lay in any case, thus, that encounter does not count. In fact, I will go far as to say that it never really occurred. Therefore my little ducklings, I officially do not appreciate being paired with Arthur.

Although, I will add that while Arthur is not my forte, some of those ficlets are absolutely delicious. Especially the ones were I'm all up in his, how do you say it? Kool-Aid? Yes, those are fun. Banter is one of my favorite pass times, if you haven't noticed and banter is one of the few things Arthur is actually good at. Some of you even almost have me convinced him and I might work. Almost being the key term of the day.

I also do not appreciate being considered the 'puppy dog' of the relationship, whatever pairing I am thrust into. If there is one thing I do not do, it's play lovesick. Yes, I am a Forger and Forger's by nature must be in tune with their inner emotions; yet that does not mean that I 'fall in love' or I 'pine' after another. Quite the contrary, actually. A few gold stars go out to those who peg me as a more Casanova type, because let's face it: I'm the optimum of a "Casanova".

I will add that with the Casanova persona, I tend to attract even the most unlikely victims with the charm that just radiates from me. Which brings me to another point: Ariadne and I are not an item_.(2)_. It seems poor, dear, sweet little Ariadne gets the blunt of romantic pairings, being the only girl. I, of course, would never harm a hair on her pretty little head (I can assure you loves, when it comes to myself, harm will be done. I'm a little heartbreaker you know).

And the poker chip totem. What in heaven's name would cause you to assume my totem was a poker chip? Don't answer that, it's rhetorical. I have a sneaking suspicion it has a lot to do with Arthur's totem die. At any rate, if any of you darlings want to elaborate on this phenomenon, than please do. As far as my real totem, well that's none of your business. The first totem I ever had was a small pocket watch. I'll never do _that_ again; not even a week after making it someone grabbed it thus making it useless. However, I suppose a poker chip is, while not up to par, better than the other random objects people use as totems.

The last item that needs addressing is my first name. For the record, I don't have one. Alright that's a load of rubbish but no one knows my real first name. You see, Cobol, Interpol, FBI, etc.; you name it, they more than likely have a price on my head. Of course, that price is always insulting as I'm far more valuable than that. But I digress; yes, I have a first name but I'm not telling you it. In fact, if you must know, Eames isn't even my real last name. It's a name I picked up stateside when I first worked with Cobb. So guess all you want darlings, I won't tell you yay or nay nonetheless.

I do believe I've done enough rambling for one sit and will leave you to ponder over these trivial things that you allow to occupy your time. I will leave with one last note, or list rather, of correct assumptions. You are correct in thinking I just love Mombasa, or any other tropical and exotic region. It's a far cry from the dreary homeland I hail from and since I have the time and money I stay away as much as possible. I do love my array of strong booze and attractive women; that's a given right there. I am sharp tongued and quick witted and handsome but those too, are givens. I suppose I could go on and on stroking my own ego but alas I have work to do, place's to be, people's lives to destroy.

I hope we have reconciled our differences with this little chat. I'm thoroughly aware I can't stop you from doing what you do. That said, remember: strong booze, attractive women, and if I must be forced to fuck Arthur, I like to do the fucking. The idea of watching him squirm is rather extremely hot.

Hugs and Kisses to you all,

Mr. Eames.

_Notes:_

_1. He had a rather inappropriate and crude comparison and I replaced it._

_2. Ariande's letter seems to contradict this statement. The truthfulness of either, however, is remained to be seen._


	3. Saito's Lawyer

**Saito (or rather, his lawyer)**

Dear reader,

On behalf of my client, Mr. Saito, I would like to state the following:

While it is viable you remain allowed to continue to characterize my client, it is not viable that falsities are slandered throughout the internet or other sources. With this in mind, duly note that any slandering, untruths, or misrepresentation of my client or his company, will result in immediate action not limiting to prosecution.

This includes involving him in illegal matters that otherwise my client would never partake in. This stated, you may at any time submit in writing your story to have it reviewed by my office and edited if you feel the information in it may be harmful or unauthentic. It is no trouble to have it reviewed, edited, and mailed back within a timely matter.

If you refuse to do so and it is apparent that one or more of the previously mentioned offences has occurred, there will be no time wasted in removing your story from site and taking legal action for any and all damages that has occurred.

On behalf of my client again, I thank you for your time.

_Michael Jorgensen, Attorney-at-law._


	4. Arthur

**Arthur**

_Editor's Note: I was only joking about Arthur's linguistic skills. He is in fact a very skilled with the English language; much more so than I. He's also highly offended I lied and therefore I am summiting an apology while rolling my eyes and muttering obscenities on how he can't take a joke. No, Arthur I don't care that people can read that, it was just a joke. Sheesh._

To Whom It May Concern:

When I was first asked as to whether I wanted to pen a letter addressing the rather… colorful imaginations of my and The Team's fan base, I deeply considered passing the opportunity. Until I stumbled upon what Eames wrote and now I'm blatantly furious. Eames is a liar; that is his job. Nonetheless, that horrid and annoying liar has gone too far and I refuse to stand back and take it.

First of all, he was _born_ in Mombasa; that whole British persona is a façade. His totem _is_ a poker chip; I know because it's my job to know. In addition, we have never, _ever_ (this pains me to even think about writing it), done _anything (1)_ and you know what I'm talking about.

The idea makes me ill; how he could be so comfortable in saying such a thing is beyond me. Not that there is anything _wrong_ with the homosexual community; I for one am just not a part of it. It seems many of you have taken my impeccable sense of fashion as a basis for which to lay the foundation for your argument of me being gay. Just because I look good does not mean I'm gay. It means I look good, pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

That goes for you Cobb slashers too. Cobb is practically my brother thus making you all not only slashers, but incestuous slashers. Incest, unlike homosexuality _is_ illegal and morally wrong, so stop it. I'm serious; just stop.

I guess I can't get by talking about Cobb without talking about Mal. I'm just a slight bit irritated at the notion many of you think Mal and I had something, if anything, 'romantic'. The whole time I knew Mal, she was dating, engaged, or married to Cobb. By stirring up accusations that we had something more than mutual friendship is insulting to Mal, Cobb, and me; not to mention Mal and Cobb's marriage. Mal was a dear friend of mine and if you don't do anything else, please don't insult her memory _(2)._

But enough of that.

Next item on my list is this idea that Ariadne and I belong together, the basis for this argument is that fact I kissed her in one level during the Fisher job. I hate to break your hearts but it was just a kiss. It was, as I said, worth the shot but in reality it was just me seeing if she'd fall for that old trick. To my delight she did and I still tease her about it. Nevertheless nothing is going on between us other than friendship. She's a good girl, so stop whoring her around, alright?

I do believe, with that said, I've done enough complaining for one evening. I am pleased to see many of you don't portray me as a 'stick-in-the-mud' as Eames likes to call me. I do like to have fun you know. I also don't do this job because of the pay; I love dream-sharing and dream-building. It's fascinating how the mind works and what endless possibilities arise from a world made purely of imagination. I'm going to cut myself off there least I get carried away.

Thank you for your time and I hope this enlightens you and gives insight besides what others may have told you.

Sincerely,

Arthur.

PS: Eames' real name is Thomas Hardy. Have fun with that. (_3)_

_Editor's Notes:_

_1: Arthur has a bigger potty mouth than Eames; seriously, what was said went beyond severe T rating and I refuse to change the rating because Arthur declines to take the Orbit gum I keep throwing at him. However, let it be noted for someone not bumping buddies with Eames, he sure knows what the hell he's talking about. _

_2. Arthur was being a bad friend and said something to the effect of 'which I hate to admit, Cobb's memory of her already as'. I of course, took it out._

_3. Hmmm sounds a lot similar to a certain actor we all know ;) I asked Arthur about that and he just smirked smugly. _


	5. Yusuf

**Yusuf**

Hello there friends, colleagues, criminals and the like,

When was asked if I cared to write a letter addressing a fan base, I laughed aloud. Who would even bother to read this? I have no fans. Funny how the notion of no one bothering to read this was enough to light the torch that lead me to penning this.

That said I'm highly offended and very hurt that it is apparent I'm not important enough to be granted my own story lines. I am fully aware that this should not be a surprise; I am but just the Chemist. The only two stories I found in existence were a shock, both of which well written and very unlike what I expected and for that I thank you. (_1)_

Nevertheless, I am still offended.

Not only does everyone else get their own stories, they also get what Arthur explained to me as a 'pairing'. Granted, mostly it's either you get Ariadne or you get 'slashed' with Eames (apparently he's the man with the plan as they say, when it comes to getting slashed. Figures, I love the guy but he'll screw anything with two legs.) Still, some recognizable love on my end would be nice for a change. (_2)_

I'd prefer no 'slashing,' especially since such a heinous crime could get me killed. Struck down by God probably (just throwing that out there). I'm surprised Eames hasn't been struck yet. Oh wait, he has been hit by lightning, never mind (that explains a lot, I promise). A minor made up character would be nice. I'm not picky… okay a little picky but hey, I'm a guy, what do you expect? Just, I don't know. I like light haired women and brown eyes, the naïve the better. Nothing boosts the ego than explaining what I do for a living, but not a ding bat for sure.

It's not that I have a problem with Ariadne. I adore Ariadne, I do, but she's a bit… eccentric to say the least. Honestly she rather frightens me. She gives me this hopeful look when I speak to her. It's… I can't explain it. Cobb says she's just 'wide-eyed and innocent.' That's a ton of bull. She's _too_ nice and _too _innocent. I think she's demon possessed, personally. I pray for her; I think you should too, she needs it.

But I digress. I understand that I'm only a minor player in the game that is the Dream World and as such I don't get the credit I deserve (yes, I deserve credit). Sure, I only made it possible for a grand scale Inception to take place by mixing chemicals to induce sleep for a prolonged period of time. It's not like it's never been done before- oh wait, it hasn't. Silly me! _(3)_ I also lead a high speed chase while being shot at and managed to get out alive. During that chase I also did some daring stunts, not waking a single person in the van I was driving. No biggie on that part, just all in a day's work I presume.

I guess that's all I have to say. No one is going to read this anyhow, despite what Ms. Editor says. If you _are_ reading this, I could use a hug, ladies –hinthint-. Viral hugs work just fine. If not, I'm sure Ms. Editor will give them to me if you ask her _(4)._

As I said, if you read this, thanks a lot! It lets me know someone out there at least cares.

-Yusuf

_Editor Notes:_

_1. I have only read the cat story; that was a really good read as Yusuf pointed out._

_2. He tends to ramble… a lot, thus I summed up what he was trying to convey._

_3. I added "Silly me" in to further the sarcasm; I promise he said it was okay! _

_4. In your dreams, lover boy. You so felt me up the last time I was tricked into hugging you. You and Eames hang out too much._


	6. Nash

**Nash**

Guess who is back (back again)? Nash is back; tell a friend. _(1)_ Yeah, that's right; I ain't dead.

But Anna-baby knows that, right? Yeah. She's the only one who seems to give a shit around here. She wrote me a little story and everything. It's called _I, Nash._ Even has my name in the title! Take that Cobb, with your crazy ass and sob stories; Arthur and your faggot ass. You losers might have all these girls fighting over you but I'm smart, I only got one girl to focus on. _(2)_

In all honesty, I am the _only _one around here with brains. Call me a traitor, a scumbag, whatever you want but you can't deny I'm clever. I knew what I was doing. I'm not the best Architect in the world but I'm damn close. Sure I fucked up with the carpet but really, it was a fucking carpet! Who the hell pays that much attention to what their carpet feels like?

Seriously though, it was for the best. I was looking for a way out from those creepo's. Cobb's a tough guy but he's a dumbass. I think his wife dying made him get soft and forget what's really at stake in this game we play. He might have nothing to lose but that don't mean shit. The guy can't even tell reality from dreams, constantly spinnin' that top of his. In front of people too! Dumb fucker's just asking for someone to grab it, trick him, and send him to the closes asylum or worse.

Arthur, well I never like Arthur to begin with. He's good at what he does but that's it. Between the two, Arthur is the creepiest. He dresses like he's some kind of hot-shot and is _way_ to mellow, like a serial killer. I keep waiting for him to just snap and go on a killing spree. When I hear that Cobb's been found dead, I'll know _exactly_ who did it. Who knows, maybe I can hunt Arthur down and turn him in for the reward money.

Back to what I was saying; I ain't dead.

The thugs roughed me up a bit, I won't lie about that. What they wanted however, was enough to keep them from killing me though. Wasn't much, just the spill on Cobb and Arthur. They don't know that though. Hey, don't judge me! You'd sing like a canary too if they had a Glock pointed to _your_ head. This is a dog-eat-dog world as they say and I'm not about to be the subject of cannibalism.

That said, I better scram and get to finding a new location to stay. I didn't mention a location however, I know from experience how easily things can be traced. Besides, if they see this, I don't think Cobb and Arthur will be too happy with me. Not that I give a shit. I ain't scared of either of 'em. I could take'em too, if I wanted. That's it though: I don't want too. Easier to run and hide then to try and play hero or whatever. Like I said, call me a coward but you have to admit, it's the smart thing to do.

-Nash

_Editor's Notes:_

_1. Fail Nash. Epic Fail._

_2. Yeah, I don't think Annacat101 cares for you like that hun. If she does, then kudos to the both of you._


	7. Tadashi

**Tadashi**

So yeah, you guys don't know me. Why would you know me? I'm just a kid, right?

Well let me fill you in: I'm the kid who got paid big bucks to put two members of your 'dream team' under.

Ring a bell? You know that bad ass in the beginning on the train? I only did it cause one, it was big money and two, it was pay-back at Mr. Saito. Fucking old man, thinks he's so bad ass with his wannabe race skills and his company money. The old man's too scared to try in me in the _real_ world cause he _knows_ I'd kick his ass to next Friday.

Speaking of which, I got a race to catch. Pay back's gonna be a _bitch_ if I have anything to do with it!

-Tadashi

_Editor's Note: Took me a moment after reading this to realize who this was. If you don't know, think about that Asian kid from the beginning. Yeah, that's him._


	8. Dom Cobb

**Dom Cobb**

_Editor's Note: For __Swampophelia__. So please, no more evil projections!_

I thought Eames was joking when he showed us this 'fan' sight and in turn introduced us all who you know as the Editor _(1)._ However, after surfing around a bit, getting a feel of what you all think, I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'll start with fact you all (thankfully) agree I'm not in Limbo. In the beginning I could see some skepticism, but it all seems to have faded out. I personally didn't think I would make it out myself. Getting one's self lost over and over to find another lost soul a dangerous thing. I could have easily gotten stuck, forced to replay over and over memories till I died (if dying in limbo is possible. I don't ever wish to find out).

Nevertheless, I made it out. The best part was seeing my kids again. It's a shame how much they've changed since… since I last was able to see them. They've grown up so much and I still feel guilty for missing that. Speaking of which, I'm aware you probably can't fathom a world where Dom Cobb isn't extracting and I hate to break it to you, but I have quit the business.

It's hard sometimes, not to go back under. Dreaming is addictive, especially when you're not able to dream on your own anymore. I've had offers ranging from people like Saito to average Joe's who picked up my name off the street, but I haven't taken them. All I need to do is look at my kids and that's enough reason for me to say no. (_2)_

I still talk to Arthur, Eames, Yusuf, and Ariadne; obviously, since I wouldn't be writing this if it had not been for Eames. I would be lying if I said I never toyed with the idea of cutting off all ties to my past, but they are practically family, especially Arthur who is more a brother to me than anyone else I know, and I couldn't leave them out in the cold. Not to mention they mean so much to the kids who absolutely adore them all, especially Ariadne. I even think James has a crush on her even though he has no idea what that means. _(3)_

But switching gears now, I think I need to address some more serious issues when it comes to what I've been seeing throughout the board.

First of all, Mal. She's dead; I know she's dead and I'm still coming to terms with it. She was my wife and I loved her almost more than life itself. That's another reason I don't go under anymore: I'm afraid she still might not be completely gone. Still, either way, insinuating that she and Arthur were having an affair behind my back is not acceptable. It's insulting; it's vile; and it's definitely not true.

As for Arthur and I, as I said before, he's the brother I never had. I'd trust him with my life. Even Eames, despite his eccentric ways, is another brother I never had. So stop 'pairing' us together. Or what did Arthur call it? Slashing? Either way it's disgusting! I can't even being to think about what would happen if my kids were old enough to stumble onto something like _that._ You should be ashamed of yourself: you know who you are. _(4)_

And Ariadne; she's a brilliant young woman. She's creative, caring, full of joy, and a good friend, the good friend part emphasized to the fullest. We're close; she's one of my best friends, but that's it. There is nothing romantic going on between us. She's too young for me to even think of her as anything but a kid sister. Plus, I have two children to look after and quite frankly I'm not romantic with _anyone_ at the moment. Add on that while she's been gone for a while now, I still miss Mal a great deal.

I'm certain there are some other issues that may be slipping through the cracks; however I'm running out of time. Phillipa's ballet recital is in twenty minutes and Ariadne and Arthur keep yelling at me from downstairs to hurry up.

Oh speaking of those two, your guess is as good as mine when it comes to if they have a 'thing' going. They both deny it but I and Eames have a bet that there is something there. Another thing: Eames is a liar. I love him, but he's full of shit._(5)_ He and Arthur never had sex, at least I hope not. That night in question they stayed here and I swear I'll kill them both if they messed around in my guest room which happens to be right next to Phillipa's room and across from James'.

There goes Ariadne threatening to leave without me. Thanks for taking the time to read this and do remember before you post something that my kids might see that one day. I really would like to avoid the 'Daddy did you really…' questions.

Thank You,

Dom Cobb

_Editor's Notes:_

_1. Eames gets all the credit, that smug bastard. _

_2. Aw, how sweet Dom! You're such a good daddy! :P_

_3. AWWW! James has a crush! He's sooo cute; he turns red when Ariadne talks to him. It's adorable! _

_4. Yeah! You tell'm Dom._

_5. Ain't that the truth! lol_


	9. Ariadne's Rough Draft

**Ariadne's Rough Draft**

**Warning: Important Editor's Note!**

_The following letter was written at three am in the morning, high on sugar and caffeine. While Ariadne wrote it, I helped by throwing in sarcastic comments I felt would emphasize what she was saying. So, if it sounds a bit off just remember it has my influence. I'm such an evil Editor… we had notes laid out and everything! XD_

_That stated, this is _**NOT **_Ariadne's real letter. The morning after we both realized there was no way this was acceptable and trashed it. However, after some forethought we both said "What the hell," and decided to post it anyways, if anything for the hilarity of it all. _

_Her real letter will be posted on a later date and is much more serious in tone then this one. This letter is also in its original context as it was before I convinced Ariadne that this in whole was a bad idea. That is to say, despite being a 'rough draft' it still looks like a real letter, my notes included. _

_We both hope you enjoy this and will now go hide before the boys read it. Enjoy!_

Hello there fan people,

I'm doing my best to be as polite as possible about this. If I hurt your feelings, I'm truly sorry but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. So let me just dive right in to what I have to say.

I appreciate how you all tend to lower my age to between eighteen and twenty-two, but let's be realistic. I'm a grad student; I'm smart but I'm not _that _smart. I'm around twenty-six; yes I look younger than I am but that's not a bad thing because it'll pay off when I get older. That stated, please don't make me into some virginal kid who is super smart. Once again, it's flattering however it's not true. I can't stop you of course, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

Okay, now to the real problem.

It's come to my (and all my former co-workers) attention that you like to pair me romantically with every single one of them. This has to stop. Like, right now.

However, if I'm honest, I really don't mind those little stories. It's no secret I have these boys wrapped around my finger. I mean, I'm the only girl among full-blooded males; how can I _not_ have them wrapped around my finger?_(1)_ Not to mention, they all want me; it's not like that's a hush-hush either (it might seem arrogant to say that but if the boys can be arrogant, I can too!) _(2)._ I guess I should do you all a favor and give the condensed versions of my 'relationship' status among our favorite men.

I suppose I'll start with Arthur first, since everyone seems to think he and I are destined to be together. I've noticed a trend with sighting that kiss we shared during the Fisher job as a starting point to build up your theories. I hate to disappoint but that kiss was a cheap shot from Arthur, as he mentioned. I wasn't thinking when he asked and I followed instructions; I was a bit more focused on how the Projections would at any moment start attacking. An attack by Projections is not something you forget and when things start to get a restless, you'll do whatever it takes. I kicked his ass for that afterwards, just so you know.

That's not saying there was absolutely _nothing_ going on between Arthur and me, because there kind of was. It was before that kiss of course; a while before that kiss. Like when we first met; he is a good looking fellow after all. We flirted a bit, even messed around just a tad; but as Arthur puts it, "the job comes first." Funny how he says that knowing good and well he's the one that normally comes first. (_3)._ Not to mention, he and Eames are secretly fucking.

Anyways on to Cobb; oh what is there to say about Dominic Cobb? He's the second most popular pairing I'm shoved into, not that I'm complaining. He's handsome and has that whole 'woe is me, I'm so heartbroken over my wife that I inadvertently killed' thing going for him. It's like a fucking magnet or a fly trap! You don't realize you're being drawn in until BAM! It slaps you in the face. You can't sit there and tell me if you were in my shoes you wouldn't try to comfort him in some way.

Of course, also being a Fixer as well as the Architect, I tried to help him with his 'Mal issues' as the fans call it. And help him I did. He's currently at home with his kids playing Mr. Mom. I love those kids, I do. I've met Phillipa and James and they are absolutely adorable. Especially James! He's so cute! He'll get all flustered and stumble over his words when he talks. But I'm rambling.

Time to be serious: I'm really and truly hurt by what Dom said in his 'letter'. Best friend? Really? How could you? After all that we've been through, after all that we've _done_ together, you're truly going to hang me out to dry like that? I hope you read this Mr. Cobb, because me and you; we're so over now. I don't even want to talk about him insinuating something between me and Arthur. I'm so angry right now. Dom better know me and him will be having a talk when I get back from Paris _(4)._

Speaking of 'friends', I also want to mention that while I appreciate the 'big brother' persona you give Dom, it's not that realistic. I'm not that much younger than him and at least I thought he knew I could take care of myself. I forgot to mention I'm so offended he called me a little kid. I think I'm more offended at that than him denying our relationship. He knows damn well I am anything _but _a little kid. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised, what with that high school girl uniform fetish he's got. Oops, did I say that out loud? Guess I did. _(5)_

So on to Eames. Ah, Mr. Eames; good old Mr. Eames. He's such an arrogant bastard and yet that accent and his ability to ruffle Arthur's feathers gets me every time. He's such a fucking liar too. _"I, of course, would never harm a hair on her pretty little head."_ Bullshit. He's been trying to get into my pants since he first laid eyes on me! Oh and he thinks he's _so_ smooth, taking me out for drinks and getting me all tipsyed up before he starts feeling me up. (_6)_

Like Arthur, I kicked his ass. _(7)_

Then a few months later after the Fisher job, we all got back together had a few drinks and I'm a little ashamed to say that time I _let_ him feel me up. One thing led to another and well… It was just a one-time thing or I thought it would be. But he's such a good attention giver and I kind of let myself get sucked in since the one I really wanted giving me attention was emotionally unavailable at the time. _(8)_

That went on for about two weeks and guess what? I found him… and Arthur… kissing. Arthur can deny until he's blue in the face but it happened. _(9)_ Granted both their eyes look like they were floating from all the alcohol they consumed but even drunk you'd think they'd realize what was going on. Of course, as Yusuf mentioned, Eames will fuck anything with two legs.

That's another liar; Yusuf.

Scare him my ass! I bet he prays for me alright but it isn't because he thinks I'm demon possessed. Alright, I take it back; he really is a nice guy and has a great sense of humor. I know he was just kidding. He tells me I look too innocent for my own good all the time and that I give men false hopes that they can corrupt me. A 'heartbreaker' is what he says. _(10)_

That's probably true but it's nothing I can help.

I think that's all. Oh there is another issue of Mal constantly hounding me in my dreams. For the record I do not dream about Mal… I don't dream at all actually. I quit dreaming two months after the Fisher Inception. Dom was all apologetic saying he should have never brought me into this and how it was his entire fault that happened. I just kind of rolled my eyes and patted him on the head. Once he gets going on his apology speeches, that's all you can really do. _(11)_

So yes, I think that's all. I'm going to go drown my sorrows now with a bottle of Jack and who knows; maybe Eames will stop trying to force Arthur out the closet long enough to share the love with me. Did I mention he fucks anything with two legs? Hell, even Arthur will do. Boo on you! Sorry, Ms. Editor is forcing me shut up now and is telling me there will be no throwing myself at men tonight. I wish you all could see my eye roll; we all know she just wants Eames' to herself. _(12). _Arthur it is then.

-Ariadne

_Editor's Notes:_

_1. The men deny this accusation. I also add they say that right before Ariadne calls for them and they run to her like cute little puppies._

_2. Hell yeah!_

_3. Innuendo? Sarcastic remark toward hinted self-centeredness? The world may never know._

_4. Ooooh someone's in trouble!_

_5. That was all me. She hinted at it and I ran with it. I apologize in advance._

_6. See what I mean? You'd think these guys haven't been laid in years! We all know they got around before she showed up. Even Cobb; there was more to keeping Mal around then I think he lets on. ;)_

_7. I wish I could have seen that._

_8. The name __was__ given however; I took it out because it's more fun to keep you all guessing! We all know who it was though… his name starts with a D._

_9. So Arthur and Dom deny it happened; Ariadne and Eames swear it did…. Hmmm sounds like I need to put my Editorial investigation skills to the test. I'll get back with you on this topic later. _

_10. She is, isn't she?_

_11. Aw, I have the urge to pat Dom on the head now and say 'good boy' XD_

_12. Your damn right I do. And yes Andrew, get over it. Quit smothering me so much than we'll talk, but until then yeah, Eames is mine._


	10. Ariadne's Real Letter

**Ariadne's Real Letter**

_Editor's Note: This is the final and 'real' letter from Ariadne. No Editor influence!_

Greeting everyone,

Now that we're sober- I mean, awake, I'm impressed to see that the former letter was well received regardless of the high levels of immaturity that ensued. That's what happens when you have 'girl time' after working with brooding men all day. Nevertheless, let us move on to the more important issues.

I'll stand by what I said last time as far as my age and dreams go. I'm _still _twenty-sixish and I _still_ don't dream about Mal. I've given up caring as to whether you agree to this; a story is just that, a story. That out of the way, I need to clarify the things I said in that last letter.

I don't _do_ co-workers; metaphorically and literally, or at least I try not to._(1)_ As to whether those things I said were true, well, I'm leaving that up for you to decide._(2)_ I also don't do Marks. It's come to my attention that a few of you out there are 'pairing' me with Fischer. First, I'm not attracted to him. Second, if I was to ever see him face-to-face, the plan is to run because until a year has passed (according to Dom) it's not safe to interact with Marks.

Same goes for employers. Mr. Saito and I will never nor have ever… you know… that is just unheard of levels of creepy. Yeah, I'm not going to talk about it anymore because it hurts to think about it. So where was I…

Arthur and Eames, that's it!

I've thought about it and I'm standing by what I said last time. They're _so_ screwing each other, if not in real life, then in dreams. Come on, it's practically obvious! Yusuf, as always, is right: Eames screws anything with two legs. Just ask Ms. Editor. _(3)_ As for Arthur, he's so far in the closet I think he ended up in Narnia. Sure he has his 'man' moments and flirts with women; still think critically people.

Dom is still on my list, for calling me a little kid of course. _(4)_ I've proven time and time again that despite my slightly younger age, I am very much capable of taking care of myself. I'm an intelligent woman for crying out loud! When is everyone going to see that? Oh well, I can only repeat it till my face is blue I guess.

That's all I have to say. I hope this clears a few things up.

-Ariadne _(5)_

_Editor's Notes:_

_1. Sure… keep lying._

_2. It's all true, we know it is ;)_

_3. That's not funny… not funny at all._

_4. I call bullshit!_

_5. By all means, it seems she wants that last letter taken seriously, don't you think? _


	11. Robert Fischer

**Robert Fischer**

To Whom It May Concern:

Against my lawyer's recommendation, I have decided to personally write an address to this 'fan base'. Unlike Mr. Saito, I take pride in being personable. There isn't much for me to truly discuss; while I appreciate the attention, I'm more bogged down with personal and professional concerns and do not have the time to read each and every story. I do apologize and would like you to know I'm rather flattered at the attention.

However, I will say this: I know or I should say knew.

I was trained in defense by the best. The mere fact I was drugged and infiltrated with ease was enough to make me curious as to see who had entered my mind and what they were exactly after. In addition, the fact it took me until the second level to realize I was being intruded, well I was impressed to say the least.

I want it clear that the inception didn't work; I was planning to break apart the company long before my father died. I'm not my father, I didn't want a monopoly and I definitely knew I couldn't run one. Rome fell because it was too large to be handled by one centralized power. I like to think that unlike my father I learned from past mistakes.

One more thing: stop 'pairing' me with Mr. Saito or anyone for that matter. Tabloids are vultures and eat fabrications like mad. It's not only bad for my personal standings but it's bad for my company as well. While I'm not going to go as far as suggest you send in your fiction for approval, I want it made clear if any of it gets out I will not hesitate to seek legal action.

Thank you for your time,

_Mr. Robert Fischer_


	12. Final Letter from the Editor

**Letter from the Editor**

Dear Readers,

This wraps up all letters received. Notices were sent out to the persons not having sent in a letter and mostly were declined or not responded to. Cobb wants me to also tell everyone that his children will _not_ be sending letters. He says he doesn't want them brought into what he likes to call 'the insane mad-house' aka the fan-base community. For the record I am currently working in the process of trying to work around that.

I first off would like to thank you kindly for taking the time to read each letter. Your feedbacks were sent promptly back to the writer of each letter (Except for Mr. Saito's Lawyer and Mr. Robert Fischer). As expected, Eames mostly laughed and then played 'get the paper down the closet female's shirt' those females being Ariadne and myself (That was three hours ago. Ariadne and I are _still _finding random pieces of paper. Revenge will be ours.)

Cobb's mostly got colored on; James and Phillipa are very good artists. Arthur glared at me (cannot imagine why) and Yusuf asked me to send 'much hugs and kisses to all'. He also glared at me for my footnote warning against his hugs. Nash and Tadashi as of this time have not returned with comments. Ariadne has requested I let you know that she read her comments and her response is 'a knowing smirk'.

Thank you once again for your partnership and in participating in this exercise that was _supposed_ to clear out the rumors and only lead to them being worsened.

Sincerely,

_Editor-in-Chief, Voldemort's Spawn._

P.S.- Replies may be posted at a later date; cooperation on this project is pending.


	13. Quick Note from the Editor

**Letter's to the Editor**

The editor is pleased to announce that a set of interviews is currently being conducted. These interviews will be released under the title "Interviews with the Editor" upon completion. Again, I want to thank everyone for the reviews and I hope that this next installment will be up to par.

Sincerely,

_Voldemort's Spawn_


End file.
